As my pregnancy progressed so did my emotions.. I journaled my whole pregnancy. A journal that ended up being thrown away because reading my entries left me so choked up.
My mental stability started to plummet at 3 months into my pregnancy I was riddled with anxiety…..and depression slowly followed.
For someone who has never suffered from these issues it came in hard and it cut really deep. Back then I didn’t understand what was happening or why I couldn’t just accept my new reality.
After my traumatic birth and postpartum complications things got even worse the outgoing, positive, happy woman I once was had vanished completely.
My head got filled with dark thoughts mainly about myself and the notion of not being able to handle life anymore and most importantly I couldn’t handle anymore pain.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was plagued by all the thoughts in my head. I was convinced that if I didn’t stay awake my baby would die of sids or something terrible was going to happen. I had nightmares that were so gruesome in nature I would wake up in panic and not be able to go back to bed in fear that the images would return. I felt completely crazy, alone, and confused.
Then, things started progressively getting worse so I reached out for help. My therapist. Who is a godsend diagnosed me with postpartum depression, complex ptsd, and generalized anxiety disorder.
This is my path to healing, to closure, and to finding the meaning behind all of this. Lifting the dark clouds that hover over me so I am once again able to enjoy my life but most importantly enjoy my biggest blessing……..
My beautiful son.
This journey has been the hardest thing I have ever endured. It has gotten so very dark at times. But I made a promise to myself a long time ago.
I have to survive. So that my baby can know who I am. He deserves that much. So I can hear his first “I love you mommy” I deserve that. And for every mother that has had or has PPD so she knows she’s not alone. That I’m here to trace the darkness with her in hopes that we once again find the light.
This is for you Kai.
I love you so much it literally scares me.
& for my fellow mamas
I feel every ounce of pain. I’ve cried the same tears. I’ve suffered daily with those unnerving scary intrusive thoughts. I’ve yelled at all the wrong people. I’ve questioned why I even bother anymore. I’ve felt it ALL. We can do this, we have to do this. We deserve light..we deserve compassion..and we deserve love.
“So be softer with you. You are a breathing thing. A memory to someone. A home to a life”