WTF is happening to me.

Sometimes, most of the time….I feel as if I’m not really alive anymore..

In those terrifying moments in my pregnancy, birth, and after..where I thought dying was surely the next step my mind kinda sorta just tapped out.

& it just hasn’t decided to tap back in.

I feel like an outsider to my surroundings. I don’t recall my life sometimes. I went 6 whole months feeling this way and today it’s back with a vengeance. I HATE this. people and things seem so distant. My loved ones feel like strangers. There is this massive wall between me and the rest of world. I get confused about who I am. Everything else seems like a giant blur. My name..my age.. jobs I’ve worked..friendships I hold. (it feels as “crazy” as it sounds.)

I feel like I’m constantly experiencing deja vu. Or living in some kind of dream. This stupid anxiety!

the more I allow it to scare me the worse it gets. Today I’m too beat and tore down to argue with the nonsense in my head. I get SO incredibly scared that one day I’ll just become all the nonesense and lose ME completely.

Mothering through this depression and ptsd feels like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean and while I’m trying to keep myself afloat(alive) someone just decided to throw a little human right in with me.             

My thoughts lie to me constantly. They tell me I’m not cut out for this. That I’ll never be fully present with my son. I’ll never be a half decent mom, or person again.

Most days I am scared shitless.

I wish I could hide forever. I know I can’t let this win. But today, I’ll bow out because it’s only 12 in the afternoon and I’ve had about 5 panic attacks, a breakdown, and my feelings of wanting to give in and give up is just the icing on this mess of a life I’m living right now.

& I’ve only been awake for 6 hours But, I am done with today.

Again,

I’ll breathe in and out 

Trying to make it through the next minute ..next hour…next day

This too shall pass

This too shall pass

This too shall pass

WHY won’t you PASS?! 

2 thoughts on “WTF is happening to me.

  1. I love you, babe! I will always be here to help you no matter what. Anytime you feel like your breaking, please call me. I’ll talk to whenever you need it. I don’t want you to ever think that you’re alone in this. I will fight with you and for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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