the moment my life changed

Just a mom trying to grasp what just happened and a freshly resuscitated baby… this is what laboring for 25 hours looks like .

There I am.

There you are.

My sweet precious boy.

Can I just tell you how birth can break a person?

You have this candid idea of how it’s gonna go for you.

Doves will fly,

Your baby will be placed on your chest and that amazing bond will be Instantaneous and magnificent.

your vagina will remain intact and beautiful

Your life will be COMPLETE

Ha.

No, for some of us birth broke us.

I was in labor a full 3 days

But dilated enough to actually go in on day 3 ..

that day..

That day remains a mystery even 7 months after…

I don’t want the day I birthed another human to haunt me.

But, it does.

I have nightmares and flashbacks of that day

Picturing your lifeless body being pulled out of me

Of my whole journey

Dreams the keep me up

Because I’m so afraid to go to sleep and wake up in panic

with that gut wrenching pain in my heart.

My mind.

It replays the pain.

The feeling of being trapped

The moments I thought WE might not make it.

today is not a good day

Today is awful. 

Today, my intrusive thoughts beat me

But, it’s night time.

So I’ll take my meds

Cry myself to sleep and wake up tomorrow

To do this all again.

I can do this. 

I can do this. 

Can I really keep doing this? 

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